Wholehearted Living vs. Perfectionism
“What if the thing we call ‘doing our best’ is actually just fear in a fancy outfit?”
Let’s talk about the subtle difference between living wholeheartedly and living to be perfect—and why only one of them actually sets us free.
We All Want to Do the Right Thing… But Who Defines “Right”?
Most of us genuinely want to live well. We want to be good parents, partners, friends, and followers of our faith. But in our pursuit of "doing our best," many of us unknowingly swap love for fear. We begin to measure our worth by performance, comparison, or external approval.
This becomes especially toxic when it’s disguised as morality or excellence. Religious environments, cultural norms, and social media can all create a pressure cooker of silent expectations. And even good things—like nutrition, parenting, or spiritual disciplines—can become distorted when filtered through fear, shame, or unresolved trauma.
The Difference Between Wholeheartedness and Perfectionism
Here’s how I’ve come to see the difference:
1. Motivation: Love vs. Fear
Wholehearted Living is rooted in love. It says: “I am enough right now, even in process.”
It’s brave. It’s vulnerable. It surrenders the illusion of control and accepts that we’re still becoming.Perfectionism is rooted in fear. It says: “I’ll be enough when I have it all together.”
It’s exhausting. It masks itself as diligence or excellence, but underneath is a frantic need to prove ourselves.
I think about the wellness industry—a realm full of great advice, but also overwhelming and sometimes shame-laden. Or motherhood, where you’re constantly told you’re either doing too much or not enough. And don’t get me started on Christian performance culture, where being “godly” becomes a checklist instead of a relationship with grace.
2. Identity: “I Am Enough” vs. “I Must Be Enough”
Wholehearted people believe their worth is intrinsic.
Perfectionists believe their worth is earned.
I’ve personally wrestled with this. For years, I tried to be the “fixer,” the one who would crawl into someone’s pain and try to be their everything. It wasn’t love—it was performance. I thought if I could just encourage enough, support enough, show up perfectly, I could hold it all together for them… and for me.
Eventually, I realized: I can't be enough for everyone. And actually? That’s the good news. That’s why I need grace. That’s why I need Jesus.
3. Connection: Authentic vs. Polished
Wholeheartedness invites real connection—even if it’s messy.
Perfectionism curates a polished image to protect from rejection.
People want real. They want presence. They want honesty. And yet so many of us have been conditioned to show up only as our “Sunday best” selves. But connection doesn’t happen through perfection—it happens through authenticity.
4. Failure: A Teacher vs. A Threat
Wholehearted living sees failure as something to learn from.
Perfectionism sees failure as evidence you’re unworthy.
We can only grow if we give ourselves permission to fail. If we’re afraid of getting it wrong, we’ll never step into anything new or brave. But wholehearted people know that risk and vulnerability are part of the journey.
5. Self-Talk: Compassionate vs. Critical
Wholeheartedness speaks with kindness.
It holds boundaries, but also grace. It says, “You’re human, not a machine.”
Perfectionism, on the other hand, runs a constant inner monologue of criticism:
“You should have known better.”
“You always mess it up.”
“You’re too much / not enough.”
We become our own bully. But wholeheartedness is about becoming our own ally.
Living Under the Law of Love
My personal philosophy is this: I’m learning to live not under the law of performance, but under the law of love.
Biblically, this means living not by rules to earn approval, but by the transforming love of God—a love that already accepts and adopts us. That love invites us to abide, not strive. To surrender, not hustle.
Perfectionism is the old law: Do more. Be better. Try harder.
Wholeheartedness is the new way: You already belong. Now show up as you are.
A Brave Invitation
So here’s my invitation:
Let’s trade fear for love.
Let’s stop performing and start becoming.
Let’s be more human, not more polished.
You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy.
You already are.
🎧 Listen to the full conversation on the podcast:
💌 Want more reflections like this?
Subscribe to my newsletter for podcast updates, blog posts, and wholehearted encouragement.